What the fuck? Seriously. I am soooo sick of being made to feel like I am at fault. Last nigh I posted a plea to my FB friends to share my blog due to the unacceptable health care people with mental health issues receive here in Fredericton. Unfortunately I posted this after taking my meds and drinking a beer. I made a mistake. I forgot to block the people that I normally block when I post my blog to Facebook. I made a mistake. An honest fuckin mistake. I did not do this out of revenge or to hurt anyone. But it is there and aside from deleting it, there is not much I can do.
I am hurt and I am pissed. I have carried this secret for so damn long. The cat is out of the bag, and do you know what? I feel fuckin’ horrible. I know I shouldn’t, but I do. I feel like the lowest of life form on this planet, because I do not live my life to hurt others, and I hurt people last night that don’t deserve to have to deal with this shit.
That being said, that is my emotional side talking. I also have a pretty kick ass cognitive side to myself. I cognitively know that this “secret” should have never been a secret to begin with. When I first disclosed, back in 1999, things should have been taken care of. It should have never been a secret from that point on. He should have gotten help along with myself and the rest of my family. Instead, here I am, at 34 years old, being blamed for disclosing the secret to his girl friend.
Out of all people, she has been the most supportive to me, while still supporting him. She immediately contacted me. We talked, like two adults should. No blame game. Just love and understanding. No jumping to conclusions. She seems to be the only one that has a good head on her shoulders (along with me of course).
My mom (sorry but it is true) freaked. She castatrophizes things. “He will never be able to work, he will lose contact with his daughter, he will never be able to return to his home town”. News flash. The city he lives in does not give a Fuck, and no one is going to find out. As for our home town, lots of people knew, including the RCMP. Mom, you know everyone talks up there. Not to your face, but behind backs. People know, but they also don’t really give a Fuck. And finally his daughter. Guess what? His girl friend, she is being completely rational. He will not lose contact with his daughter. Stop worrying.
Finally, don’t ever pick up the phone and blame me like that again. I know you get all wound up and speak before thinking, but I am sick of being made to feel like it is me. Like I am the one causing the problems. I am not saying he does not have regrets, but in the end it is his fault, not mine. He will have to figure things out now that his life is a little more “difficult”. My life has been difficult for most of it, but here I am, figuring shit out day after day. Learning skills to deal with the shit that was handed to me. So now, someone else can take some of that on. Not because I want to hurt anyone, but because that is the way things work. Secrets never remain secrets. Eventually the truth prevails, and that is where we are at.