Ever feel like your whole life purpose has somehow been ripped away from you? Like every goal you have ever set for yourself has somehow slipped through your fingers like dry sand on a sunny day.
My palm is officially empty. The sand has all but disappeared and I am no longer at the beach to collect more. Everything I have hoped for gone, waiting for the tide to completely engulf any last bit of hope those grains carried.
My illness, it is costing me everything. My ability to give to my kids, our ability to have family vacations, our ability to pay back everyone who has ever helped us, and finally the possibility of losing our family home, the final straw that is pushing me closer and closer to the edge.
I know the old saying “home is where your heart is”. Is this meant to be literal, because although physically I may find myself in a new home, my heart will always be in Lakeside Estates. It will always be in the house that we may soon need to sell. I shudder at the thought. I cry just thinking of telling my seven year old that our home will no longer be, that we are moving.
I am costing my family everything. I so desperately want to be well. I want to go back to work, contribute to the life that we have come accustomed to. We live simply. We don’t have the “big kid” toys, the second car, or put our kids in every sport possible. But our home, it is everything. Because of me, Because of my inability to work, we may get rid of eveything.
I am so tired, I can not imagine heading back to work. But it is coming to the point that it does not matter. It is to the point that the best case scenario is that I go back to my current position and hope I don’t lose my job over falling asleep or lack of concentration.
I had a consult with an occupational therapist. It was not very helpful. She lead me to believe that accommodated positions are easy to get. The opposite is true. It could be years until an accommodated position becomes available. I am completely at a loss. I am not sure what to do.
The past two years have been full of financial and other blows. First hubby getting laid off in April of 2015. His job pays so much less now. Next me, unable to work since June 2015. Me not being able to care for my kids, so still needing full time daycare. My two months away from my family while getting treatment in Guelph. Now the constant debt accumulating on our line of credit. All of this because of me. Because of my illness. I would give anything to be normal, to be healthy, but the sand, it just continues to flow through, the harder I hold on, the more quickly I find myself left with nothing.